my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
