There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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