Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
