My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
