She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
