Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
