never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?