I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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