We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
