Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
