There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
