I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
