my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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