pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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