Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
