At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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