Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
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Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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