I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
