I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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