have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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