he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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