EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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