The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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