You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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