my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
