Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
