yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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