What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
