it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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