So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
