Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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