As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He keeps bees of course he's weird
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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