Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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