god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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