I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
