remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
