Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
