youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Randomize
