You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
