Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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