If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Let's get the cat blown out
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
