This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up under a house in Key West
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
