Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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