When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
