i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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