Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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