Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
