can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
