How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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