i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
