i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
