i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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