If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
