Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
